* I aM bAcK*

I finally made it back to San Antonio, it's cold and rainy. I have been here since Saturday. Ever since then I have done nothing but catch up, bills, clothing, un-packing, mail, ect. it has been crazy. I have a lot of blogs to catch up with, so please don't think I have forgotten you, I simply have fallen 5 days behind. I started catching up earlier today, only to see nothing but sad and horrible news. Ladies, I am so sorry, for some of the personal tragedies some of you are going through, I don't even know what to say, except that I will keep you in my prayers and I hope that you find the strength and the courage you need to pull you through this difficult times.

Aside from just getting back to the routine of things, I noticed that one of my dogs is starting to show some signs of aging, she refuses to jump or walk much. She whimpers when I try to hold her legs. San Antonio has been surprisingly cold, tonight we have a freeze warning, all this is making it even harder on her bones. I am saddened to face the reality of her death soon. I have had her for 11 years, I suppose I have been lucky, but I guess I had never really thought of her as old, or dying.

I have been too busy to really feel the pain of missing my family again, but since I am settling back down, I begin to feel the familiar ache in my heart that tells me I am once again, alone in a new city. It feels almost un-real that I was here then I was back now I am HERE again. Next week I am really trying to find a job. Applying everywhere I possibly can. The time has come for me to get a job. I have missed all of you a lot, and I hope that as I continue to catch up, there are more happy news than bad. I hope you all find yourself healthy, happy, and looking forward to the weekend.

This is just for you LIZ, I miss you and Luisito ( Nenuco) so much. I enjoyed sleeping with him those last few hours before I left. I am surprised I did not cry. Hope you guys are doing good, please oh please STAY SAFE!

Word Vomit........

Holiday time around my home always involves the mention of a certain family member which I despise. The question is always whether to invite or not invite this member. I will not bore you to death with details but long story short it has been a war for years between my family and this person's family. For the past two years both sides of the war decided to give it all up and simply move on each leading their own independent lives, but my father which is the most closely related person to this person always wants to somehow reconcile the parties. This year was no different. Except this time I absolutely told my dad NO! I can not do this anymore I can not pretend to be ok any longer this person hurt me, and hurt me so deeply that I can not seem to forgive, and here comes my dilemma and what has been keeping me awake since last night. I want to try so hard to forgive. What's wrong with me? Why can't I get over this it has been years and yet the mention of the name makes me see red, and feel anger rage, jealousy an array of the most sinful horrible human feelings. I just feel so bad that I feel this things I feel like a horrible person. I love to help others out I believe that I am an overall good person. Well now the story is that this person is going through some economic turmoil to the point of having trouble to even buy food. I told my dad I would not mind buying groceries for this person or even handing over some cash but I would not want to do it in person. I would not want this to be taken as a peace sign. I just can't come to make myself accept this person and their family again. I just want no more, I wish they could disappear, I hate feeling certain things and it always happens when I think of them. Ugh. I suppose it could not be the holidays without the good ol' family drama.

I'll try to cut back...

This is my dad's truck, he is an owner operator. He finally finished paying for it last month. He is officially the OWNER!!

Here he is my lovely father in front of his truck, earlier today.

Oh YAY!! All the stuff my mom and dad sent me lol.

Ok so I am going to try my best to stop talking and writing so much about my family, but it's so hard to do. I suppose in a way this is how I am coping with the fact that I miss then horribly and I am always thinking about them. Anyway, my daddy patty, as I like to call him was able to stop by on his way to Florida, yet again. This time my mother sent me cookware, knives, and forks, I know I am so broke that I was lacking those basic utensils. She also sent me homemade chiles rellenos!! How sweet is that?? My dad God bless his heart bought me brand new windshield wipers, because I had been complaining that it rained a whole lot here and my old wipers were not helping out. He also bought me this little tire caps that tell you how much your tires weigh, they are super awesome. My tires for some reason run low, and I have to eventually get new ones, but on the mean time knowing when I need to go re-fill my tires gives me a sense of safety. So all this just makes me realize how absolutely lucky I am. I know I am not the only one, but I truly am blessed with the best family ever, which is probabaly what has made it so hard to be away from them. I am absolutely rich in love, I may be broke and "lonely" right now, but I am rich in love. My family is pure gold. My dad also heard of my financial difficulties and handed me twenty-dollars. Now this may seem like a tiny detail, but my parents themselves are having trouble at the moment with money ( a whole other blog). To see him hand me money like that made me feel like a child. When I was 10 and I used to get a dollar every Sunday to spend at the swap meet, or donate to the church whatever I felt was right that weekend. I also love my dad's blessing, this is strictly catholic ( I am mostly sure) he crosses me and says a prayer, and in that moment I feel complete and total peace. Usually this peace will stay with me for about a day, like a complete and total illuminated state. Of course I cried, I knew I would the moment I saw him. I could not control it. I am glad that he did not cry though that would have completly finished me. Ok, so I promise I will try to stop talking so much about how homesick I am all the time and try to be more cheerful and stuff. Thank you for taking time to read this though and showing support through this extremely difficult time for me.